I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
