My sheets look like a crime scene.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
