this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
