Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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