guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
