I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
