I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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