Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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