Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
