We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
