You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
