Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
