It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
