Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
