that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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