how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
