And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
