the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
