I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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