Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
