There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
