I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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