You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We are two peas in an std pod
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
