your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
