Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
