I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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