NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
