cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
