His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
