when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
home. puking in laundry basket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
