Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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