She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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