just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
