Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
