I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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