1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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