I will die if light touches me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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