I'm so fucking centered right now
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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