The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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