dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We need a shit load of segways right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
