can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
