I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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