I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
