note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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