i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
