You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
