My friends, they love my intelligence
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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