i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
