Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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