His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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