My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
